September 29, 2010
Pavement, Central Park, September 21, 2010

I got an impromptu offer of a ticket for the Pavement show Tuesday morning and decided to go. I am really, really glad I did (thanks Ted! Also, thanks for Brandon for the picture…)

The band was super tight and sounded great. Malkmus was perfect on vocals and guitar. Spiral Stairs (vocals/2nd guitar) did a lot with the moments that foregrounded him. Bob Nastanovich (vocals / auxiliary percussion) was like a madman running around the stage screaming during “Unfair” and added all the little flourishes that make Pavement so great. And obviously the rhythm section was solid.

Pavement seemed to be having fun during the show - perhaps too much fun for some. There was a considerable amount of jamming, and I think the band was more enthusiastic about the jams than the audience.

Malkmus and the boys were in great spirits, cracking jokes throughout the show. Here are some of the more notable ones (that I can remember…)

  • “Apparently they have great weed on the Upper West Side”
  • “I hear people are selling tickets for less than face value”
  • “That was like a Superchunk version of that song… (quickly) in a good way.”
  • (30 seconds into Cut Your Hair Malkmus screwed up and said “That one’s all my fault, I’m in the wrong tuning, I’m sorry.” Spiral Stairs replied, “Can we just skip this song?” to some cheers from the crowd. He then joked that if they played the really deep cuts, “there would be 14 guys left at the end of the show”

I only caught the very end of Thee Oh Sees, but friends of mine who were there weren’t crazy about the performance. I saw TOS at the South Street Seaport this past summer and thought they were great, so maybe they had an off night, people were too excited for Pavement (tough spot to open), or my friends just don’t know a good thing when they see it.

Pavement’s set was really long and they played basically every song you’d wanna hear, opening with Shady Lane, and later launching into classics like Gold Sounds, Stereo, Elevate Me Later, Grounded (all three personal faves). And they played the longest encore I’ve ever witnessed (and I’ve been to Dead, Phish, and Disco Biscuits shows). At least 7 songs in the encore.

On line for the porta-potty, a girl behind me was lamenting that the Tuesday night show was not packed. She listed all the reasons she understood, but always came back to the mantra, “But it’s Pavement”.

“I know its a Tuesday night, and people have work, but it’s Pavement”.

“And I know they played Brooklyn this week… but it’s PAaaavement.”

I was worried before the show the band would mail it in / be stoic on stage like so many reformed bands, especially because of Malkamus’s past comments on the issue. But to quote the words of that hippie girl (and adding in a dash of ESPN ANALESE) - it was just Paaavement being Paaaavement.

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September 29, 2010

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September 16, 2010
Leonardo DiCaprio’s Dead Wives Club

Leonardo DiCaprio is the top Hollywood actor around these days, considering that his movies are always both huge commerical hits and critical successes. And of his peers, Leo is my favorite. I don’t like Christian Bale, and Matt Damon is talented but I don’t like his stable of movies as much as Leo’s.

There is one thing I have noticed about DiCaprio’s (if I call him Leo one more time I may sprout ovaries) films of recent years. It’s the kind of thing that, if the events of his screen life were those of his real life, the cops would be rummaging through his underwear drawer as we speak (*sigh* why didn’t I go into law enforcement?). And that fact is (**SPOILERS TO FOLLOW**):

Leo has lost three wives in his last three films.

In Inception, his wife kills herself in an attempt to wake up from the real world, which she is unable to differentiate from the dream state they had shared together.

In Shutter Island, Leo murders his wife upon discovering that she has drowned their children in the lake behind their home.

And in Revolutionary Road, his wife botches her own abortion and dies soon after.

Apparently, screen-Leo ain’t that great of a husband. But one must admit, this is very peculiar. Why has his wife died horrifically in his last three movies, twice by her own hand, and once at his?

Usually when a leading man loses his love in the course of the movie, it is the work of (mexican/middle eastern/vietnamese/somewhere in between?) terrorists and he proceeds to dispatch them to hell with extreme prejudice. But in Revolutionary Road, his wife’s death is the emotional climax of the movie - the thing that provokes him to change his life. In Shutter Island and Inception, his wife’s death is the event that underpins the events of the film. He is unable to live his life as he used to because she is gone, and he blames himself (or in the case of Shutter Island, cannot accept the burden of this blame).

When a career like DiCaprio’s has such a pronounced plot conceit repeated back to back to back, it calls for some speculation. Here’s a few theories:

1) Leave me alone theory - DiCaprio has been so huge for so long that he has had women throwing themselves at him for years. At this point, he’s choosing among the elite supermodels. When you break up with Gisele Bündchen and then start dating Bar Refaeli, you ballin’. Maybe he can afford to thin the herd of women throwing themselves at him by planting the idea in their minds (a la Inception) that if they date him, they will die.

2) Leo looks young - even now, at age 35 (!), Leo looks young. Not in a “wow! you’re too hot to be a mom!” kinda way. Young in a “I don’t care what’s eating gilbert grape - I still need to see some ID for this beer” kinda way. When you get married, you automatically enter a new level of oldness (not adulthood… oldness). And when your wife dies - forget about it. Even the most baby-faced among us seems as world-weary and seasoned as Eddie James Olmos after that.

3) Boring theory - Dicaprio simply took three good roles. For someone at his level, I’m sure it’s hard to find movies that will be both artistically satisfying and financially successful. He wanted to play a character with some emotional depth, and most characters you’ll find like that in major Hollywood movies have suffered a loss of some kind. And for an actor his age, the loss of a wife seems like the strongest motivation. What, is he supposed to enter a fugue state for two and a half hours over his dead Uncle Morty?

4) Closet right-winger theory - the green shit is a subterfuge. DiCaprio is actually a hardcore traditionalist, and these films are cautionary tales.

Revolutionary Road is a cautionary tale about having abortions - you could die, and when you do, you’re fast-tracked to hell. And in the 50s, hell was crowded with Ruskies and Chinamen - yowza!

In Shutter Island, DiCaprio warns us against getting involved in ANY WAY with someone with mental illness. His wife is a manic depressive hipster, and although hot, she murders his kids in a sundress as calmly as if she was putting on a Grizzly Bear record.

And Inception plays out like an after school special - couple takes drugs to go to mystical dream world where they can build whole cities with their minds, only to have the girl go, “We’re still dreaming! Look, I can fly! Headddyyyyy” all the way to splat.

5) Setting up his next film - DiCaprio is setting up a breakthrough horror film in which he plays a polygamist who turns a family vacation into a murderous rampage. Beginning in (where else?) Utah, a goateed and bespectacled Leo drives a school bus filled with his immediate family members to the Carlsbad Caverns.

They become lost while exploring deep within the caves and Leo is driven insane by the restless spirits of millions of murdered Indians (what?! they killed each other too! plus, we gave them casinos, tax-free cigarettes, and alcohol - it’s all good!).

He proceeds to murder his entire family with both stalactites and stalagmites. It’s educational though, because he explains the difference. Plus, before the murders, he has extending love making sessions with each one of his wives. I’m thinking about reuniting Leo with Marion Cotillard, Michelle Williams, and Kate Winslet, plus a few others. Noice.

Leo, I’ve got a script, call me!

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(Notes: 1)
  
June 11, 2010
Why Vinyl? Oh right - douchebags.

Over the past few years I’ve wondered why people are so into vinyl. Some enthusiasts cite the availability of older or rarer recordings on the format. Others praise the aural benefits vinyl offers, such as warmer, richer sound.

But I have realized that the most important role vinyl plays is a practical, social one. In a digital world, vinyl represents hard for analog.

Vinyl is the opposite of the MP3. It is physical, difficult to transport, easily broken or scratched, and tough to replicate on your own. It’s not easy to walk around with your favorite vinyl strapped to your back. And these physical drawbacks of vinyl actually become advantages in a world where drunk people cannot restrain themselves.

Everyone has an MP3 player. And everyone’s been to a party where someone is playing music off of an Ipod, only to have someone hijack the stereo jack halfway through the tune. And then someone else does it. Then someone else.

And god forbid if there’s a computer where people can pull up youtube. Then the entire party is condemned to hearing fuzzy intermittent clips of mixtapes played too loud, cutting out thirty seconds later when the next douchebag forces his (or her, often her) way to the computer.

Vinyl serves a social function - keeping the rabble the fuck away from the music. The term ‘rabble’ makes no subjective judgments on taste, because even a music maven is petulant and impatient when shitfaced.

And this is the key problem. At a party, the group as a whole does not care that much what music is on. But whatever is on, THEY WANT TO HEAR FUCKING ALL OF IT. Otherwise, how are you supposed to get down to it? Too often, party soundtracks descend into a sauced mashup punctuated by the ‘pop’ of a stereo jack being yanked out of one jack and slammed into another, like some sort of analog gangbang.

Thankfully, not everyone knows how a turntable functions, and most people don’t want to fuck up what looks like (and generally is) expensive equipment. Also, playing a vinyl record encourages listening to the whole side of it; for the average party-goer, changing records is not as fluid as toggling through an Ipod.

It may be cynical, but today the DJ functions as the music’s protector as much as its facilitator. We must literally pay someone to ensure we hear full songs at parties. The DJ brings his own records and will not play anything else. He stands behind a large barrier of turntables to keep the animals at bay, wearing headphones to block out the squawks of the hoard. He ignores sounds from outside those headphones. A DJ judges his or her success by the enthusiasm of the people dancing.

So vinyl enthusiasts, you do you. Keep on fighting the short attention span of today’s youth, hatched in childhood out of sugary cereals spiked with ritalin and sustained in adulthood by Fourlokos and vodka redbulls. And you partygoers, follow a simple rule. If it’s not your house, keep your fucking hands off of the music. And if it is, for god’s sake, hire a DJ.

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April 14, 2010
Lost Erotic FanFic Part 1: Richard and Hurley

Hugo turned towards Ricardos, his hair bobbing gently in the ocean breeze. 

“Do you mean what you said in the jungle back there?” He turned away from Ricardos and stared out into the ocean.

“Yes Hugo, I did.” He ran his hand through Hugo’s hair. “You’re very important to this island…and to me.”

Hugo turned towards him, mouth quivering with excitement.

“Kiss me, dude,” Hugo said. Ricardos smiled and leant in for a deep passionate kiss. His hands slid down Hugo’s ample bosom and into his tattered shorts. 

“Wait, wait!” Hugo said, grabbing Ricardos by the hands. “There’s someone else who should really be here for this.” He gestured to the right, down the beach, where a dark figure cut into the bright white sand like a keyhole on a white door. His naked body glistened and swayed in its naked glory, muscles rippling as if hewn in onyx.

“I want Mr. Ecko to join in too,” Hurley said. Ricardos leaned back, paused, and then took off his shirt.

“That won’t be a problem,” Ricardos said.

“Good,” said Mr. Ecko, now kneeling in the sand next to them, giant dong gently lapped by the waves where it lay on the beach. “But Richard, no man can handle both me and Hurley at once. It is too much man. You will die!”

“Ecko,” Richard said, licking his lips, “I can’t die.”

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March 8, 2010
In Defense of Nick Cage: Part One

I know an actor whose career started off really well.  Three of his first films were Brubaker, Fast Times at Ridgemont High and The Outsiders, though he was a minor character or uncredited in all three. Of course, his booking these roles, especially the last one, could be attributed to hookups from his famous uncle, Francis Ford Coppola. He then went on to star in some of the biggest Hollywood movies of the 1980s and 1990s.

Now he’s having financial trouble. No one can understand why, especially since he spent so much of the past ten years making bad movies that are clearly cash-grabs. He’s probably going to have to sell one of his many houses or sportscars.

His name is Nicolas Cage, born Nicolas Coppola.

Over the past couple weeks I have gotten into some arguments about Nicolas Cage. Friends of mine, my friend Dave in particular, claim that Nicholas Cage is not a good movie actor. Here is his basic argument:

1. Nick Cage has made a lot of terrible movies
2. In his good movies, he’s carried by great directors or actors

So, his basic premise is that Nicholas Cage is only as good as the director or actors around him. This explains why he is so good in films like Adaptation, Raising Arizona, Wild at Heart, etc. And why he is not so good in films like Knowing, Next, and so many more.

My contention is that Nicholas Cage is a good actor in the same way that David Letterman is a good comedian - he knows how and when to turn it on. Perhaps this miserly desire to only summon talent at will is itself objectionable, but that’s a different debate.

So, in this first part of this Defense of Nick Cage, I will go through a bunch of Nicholas Cage’s movies and classify them, as objectively as possible, as good or bad.

Of the Nicholas Cage films I’ve seen, these are the best, in chronological order:

· Raising Arizona (1987)
· Wild at Heart (1987)
· Leaving Las Vegas (1987)
· The Rock (1996)
· Con Air (1997)
· Face/Off (1997)
· Bringing Out the Dead (1997)
· Gone In Sixty Seconds (2000)
· Adaptation (2002)
· Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans (2009)

Of the Nicholas Cage films I’ve seen, these are the worst, in chronological order:

· 8mm (1999)
· The Wicker Man (2006)
· Ghost Rider (2007)

I know that the analytical reader will say “Hey - you’ve only seen the best and the worst of his films, which is all that anyone would see. That doesn’t give you a fair indication of all of his work – specifically, the middling crap that differentiates between ok and great careers.” Fair enough. Let’s just postulate that my argument here in Part One will be based on these best and worst films. The great unwashed middle will be examined in a later part of this essay.

Let’s start with his good (and great) films. These ten were directed by, respectively:

· The Coen Brothers (Raising Arizona)
· David Lynch (Wild at Heart)
· Mike Figgis (Leaving Las Vegas)
· Michael Bay (The Rock)
· Simon West (Con Air)
· John Woo (Face/Off)
· Martin Scorcese (Bringing Out the Dead)
· Dominic Sena (Gone in Sixty Seconds)
· Spike Jonze (Adaptation)
· Werner Herzog (Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call, New Orleans)

At this point, my argument is not looking good. Of these ten, five were directed by arguably (and in different ways) five of the best directors currently working (Coens, Lynch, Scorcese, Jonze, Herzog). Two (Woo, Bay) are great action film directors. The other three (Figgis, West, Sena) are nothing special.

Then let’s look at his costars in these films, again, respectively:

· Holly Hunter, Frances McDormand (Raising Arizona)
· Laura Dern, Willem Dafoe, Diane Ladd, Harry Dean Stanton (Wild at Heart)
· Elisabeth Shue (Leaving Las Vegas)
· Sean Connery, Ed Harris, Michael Biehn, William Forseyth (The Rock)
· John Cusack, John Malkovich, Ving Rhames, Mykelti Williamson, Nick Chinlund, Steve Buscemi, Monica Potter (Con Air)
· John Travolta (Face/Off)
· John Goodman, Ving Rhames,Tom Sizemore, Patricia Arquette (Bringing Out the Dead)
· Angelina Jolie, Giovanni Ribisi, Robert Duvall (Gone in Sixty Seconds)
· Meryl Streep, Chris Cooper, Brian Cox, Tilda Swinton, Maggie Gyllenhall (Adaptation)
· Eva Mendes, Val Kilmer, Xzibit (Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call, New Orleans)

Again, this list with a few exceptions is incredibly strong. In a list of the top 50 living film actors, there’s probably at least ten in this group.

Now, let’s look at his god-awful films. Who directed them?

· 8mm (1999) - Joel Schumacher
· The Wicker Man (2006) - Neil LaBute
· Ghost Rider (2007) - Mark Steven Johnson

All three of these directors have turned out some pretty crappy movies, granted. But who worked with Cage in these films?

· Joaquin Phoenix, James Gandolfini, Catherine Keener
· Ellen Burstyn, Frances Conroy, Molly Parker
· Eva Mendes, Wes Bentley, Sam Elliot, Donal Logue, Peter Fonda

These actors are all extremely talented, though perhaps a few had seen better days.

The conclusion that must be drawn: Nicholas Cage’s best movies were made with great directors, his worst with bad directors, but the casts around him were basically neutral. But I would argue that the failures of these films are not Cage’s fault.

On a film set, the success or failure of a film rests, ultimately, in the hands of the director. As you can see from the lists of movies above, as time went on, Cage, like many actors, got lazy and his consistency started to fade. In that stage of an actor’s career, it is most vital that they have a strong director on the set.

Otherwise, what happens is a seedy piece of garbage (8mm), an overwrought, overacted, ridiculous remake (The Wicker Man), or a botched blockbuster where the actors don’t appear to even be talking to one another on screen (Ghost Rider). Ultimately, these three cinematic abortions were clearly the progeny of their directors - an old cheeseball, a stage director who traffics in gluts of shock, and an inexperienced director way out of his league.

So Dave, and all you other Cage-haters out there, you were right about one thing. Nick Cage does step up his performances for great directors. But who wouldn’t? Cage is a mid-life Hollywood actor. He works for money. But, when he does get a project worthy of his talents, he knocks it out of the park.

In the next part of this essay, I will look at the good films that I claim Cage has made, and answer the questions: Were these films really good? And if so, how integral was he to their success? And with the failures, how much of that was his fault?

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January 20, 2010
Vegetable Soup Creamcheese

At the bagel store this morning, I selected a whole-wheat everything (my go-to bagel) with vegetable cream cheese (a recent discovery). BUT I ALSO CONSIDERED SCALLION CREAM CHEESE. Which is when I had a thought that almost made me drop my coffee.

What are the ingredients of vegetable cream cheese? I think I saw peppers, carrots and celery in there. Why wouldn’t scallions fit with these ingredients? It works for soup.

So began the idea of the Vegetable Soup Creamcheese Bagel - one side scallion cream cheese (bottom), one side vegetable creamcheese (top). You’re welcome, bagel enthusiasts.

My next endeavor - would cinnamon-walnut-raisin cream cheese complement lox well?

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November 11, 2009
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

“Mystery” - my favorite song by the strange American 90’s rock group The Wipers, off of their excellent album Is This Real? You could call them grunge, or new wave, or indie. Often grouped with Nirvana and The Replacements.

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November 11, 2009
WFMU.ORG

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November 11, 2009

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